A bad day!

OK this morning I get up and I am going about my morning routine of getting myself ready for work and I sit down to do my little farm on facebook while I have a cup of coffee and there it is people talking about it being really sad and no body is saying what is really sad. My mind starts to run we have had a co-worker that has not made it to work for a few days and I have been thinking that something bad had happened to him for a couple of them and I figure that has to be what is going on. Ding Ding Ding the little text message bell on the phone goes off...OMG...Bill Barnes killed himself it says. I almost fall out of my chair even though I already have a good idea that it has happened.

OK now I am crying and decide that I have to go to work because that is what we do is go to work. When I reach the garage I find out that my partner has called out using FMLA (that is a whole different reason to blog for 2 hours.) One of the Majors pulls me into the office and tells me face to face about Bill. We think that I may be able to back up the full time supervisor and I change out the monitor power in the FOS wagon and put my kit in it. Then the partner of the co-worker who killed themself calls out. Now I will be working with the person he was going to be working with. I drag my kit out and get it on my cot. I ask that the MMAs to wash our truck and then I get it ready. I am getting tears in my eyes every little bit and it is tough to focus on what I am doing but I have to continue. The truck and my partner are ready.

Off we go to save the citizens of the city. Our first call is a man who drove to the fire station to have them check him out and they called us to the station. We get there and thank God he was not a heart Pt or critical because we did not have power for the monitor. If he had been we would have used the FD monitor and went on about our rat killing with their LP 15 boy so nice. So another crew came to the scene and gave us power for our monitor. TY Jeff and Barbie it was nice to have them save our bacon. The day continues to progress and I am reading facebook posts...

I see some from people who had become close to Bill who are upset buy the posts of folks who had talked poorly of Bill behind his back. I see some from people who were less than kind to Bill trying to reconcile themselves with maybe having played a part in this man killing himself. I see some from people who have been in the same place Bill has but never went through with the action of killing themselves. I see some from people who did not know Bill but do know EMSA medics and just want to tell us that they love us and care about our well being.

We are all human and if we are upset with people who have not acted the way we think they should we need to remember that they too are grieving. We have to remember that we are all learning life lessons and some of us have learned more of them than others. We who have lived a little faster and harder than others need to step back and allow others to grow up and learn their lessons too. We can't start beating up on each other and think that it is helping in any way. It is not. We have to act from love peace and respect and if we can't act from those emotions we should reserve our comments and express them in a more kind manor.

We Medics have to be able to walk into a room and take control and know that we are there to take care of whatever it is that has caused someone to call 911. When people say OH GOD help me we are the people he, she or it sends. (No disrespect to any one persons God I intend here to include all peoples Gods.) The story about the guy who dies on his roof in a flood who told the people in the boat and the helicopter that God was going to save him and then when he got to heaven he asked God about it and God said "I sent you a boat and a helicopter." We are that boat or helicopter to some. We have to have a fair ego to know that and still function. We have to be critical of each other to insure that the helicopter that shows up is not going to crash into the people we send it to help. We must find a way to be a little more kind in our approach. Each of us needs to look inside and ask am I the person who needs to be making the judgements about the abilities of another medic. Can you say things that are hard for people to hear in a manor that lets them know that you are saying it from the heart? I know sometimes we all wish that we could take things back after they have been said but in some cases it can't be done.

Bill Barnes was nothing but respecful of me and I am very disapointed in me for not having seen something that could have prevented this. I know that I am not responsible for Bills death but I do know that I am my brothers keeper and in Bills case I may have not done as much as I could have. Those of you who took the time to get to know Bill on a more personal nature I say thanks. I am glad you are a part of the team. We are a richer group of people because your in it.